Tag Archives: friends

FBD: I am okay with it being a little broken right now

Every few weeks I receive a certain phone call, the “Maurice! Why am I single; I just want to be loved and cuddle; don’t you?” phone call. I rarely know how to answer this call. I do, from time to time, get lonely, and I want a warm body, but that is it. Once I moved to Chicago some of my friends, after walking in on me drinking red wine in the dark while listening to Joss Stone’s “What Were We Thinking,” seemed to try to have a mini-intervention policing how I emotionally survived a recent difficult experience and suggested I date random guys. When I mentioned to a friend over the phone that it would take a special guy to get me to be in a relationship right now, another friend called “bullshit” on my position because—well I don’t really know why. But the truth is this: If I were in a relationship right now, I would be settling for a relationship.

You see I am nursing a broken heart, and these things take time, or at least they should, or at least even if they shouldn’t, for me they do, take time to heal.  And yet, very few of my friends seem to get this concept. Even when I attempt to be naked with them and confess how broken I feel emotionally after what the last guy I truly loved did to me, how it felt as if he took my body, ripped it open at the abdomen, shoved a dirty hand in and reach up through the intestines, over the diaphragm and a little past the lung, beyond the hear, through my throat, behind my eyes, and stuck his finger tips in my brain, wiggled them around and pulled out chunks, they still don’t get why I am not out and about dating.

I could date. I had a date scheduled for this evening. I tried to stick to it because I had my friend’s voices in my head telling me to just do it; it is just a date, live, fuck ol’ boy you are Chicago now; I did it when I moved, but in the end I had to listen to me. My voice said “No.” and I canceled. I felt so very powerful.

It does one no good to trade the voice of an Ex for the echoes of well-intentioned friends. Sometimes you must listen to yourself and believe, as well-intentioned as they are, your friends are not you, and you must know how to heal yourself. For me that means not dating for a bit; it means sitting in the dark sometimes because then the world is moving slower and I can breathe and think. For me it means finding power in turning down a guy, even a potentially great guy, for an even better guy—me.

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Happy weekend

Dan (chico), myself, and Nik after Gatsby

If I had a gay lil cousin it would be him.

so artificial, the kids

I saw this woman and I couldn’t help but click on the low. She was so pretty

at time STL can be pretty in certain locations. This is the Chase Park Plaza (where I saw Gatsby)

on my way to see Gatsby

 

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Fat Boi Eats: EASTER!!!!

So I am not religious, but my family is so I am used to celebrating Easter, and while I tend to forget that someone died and allegedly rose again, I do not forget to put out a spread. This Easter was small and I had over a few of my friends to share dinner (odd that Christians do not celebrate passover) with the parental units (been in a “Reality Bites” mood) and I. The only disaster were my biscuits, I am not a southern lady—yet.

ricotta cheese mixture on a whole wheat multigrain cracker, topped with roast peppers.

sweet potato pie with marshmallow fluff topping

mmmmmm strawberries, and for others, watermelon

mac ‘n cheese (I prefer ziti noodles)

Cranberry, Orange, and Brown Sugar glazed Ham

collard greens (with turkey)

Small Bois Eating

always ready for a camera

Tilapia I later cooked

chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and sea salt

more fruit

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