ON: How to Survive a Day (a Singles guide to February 14)

As I am single, always have been and at times think I always will be, I have had to face the demon every year that is February 14. That wonderful day of the year when the world goes even further out of its way to remind you that you are a miserable failed creature because you have not tricked anyone into thinking that you are the shit and that your actual shit smells like roses. Well, I, like many singletons, developed a strategy for surviving this horrible day and I want to share it with you:

  1. DO NOT refer to February 14 by that “V” name. Hell no. This is just a day like any other day. For me this just happens to be a day two days after my birthday. This year this February 14 is a Thursday  which is the most infuriating day of the week because it is just Friday’s tease and uglier sibling (Bring on the week-end baby)
  2. Avoid couples like the plague. These are nasty self-involved people; they are the enemy. So if you can’t avoid them then do:
  3. FLIRT. Shamelessly and often in front of them. If possible, with one of them. Talk about the amazing sex you had last night, and your new prospect for tonight. Who gives a fuck if it isn’t true. We are single and fantasy and debauchery is our right.
  4. Do not watch a single romantic movie. Watch true “chick flicks” like Thelma and Louise. Watch Kelly tell Dylan and Brandon “I choose me”; kick Bridget to the curb. Get on youtube and watch every bad girl on tv clip you can find and take notes, the baddest were often single: Alexis, Susanne Sugarbaker, Olivia Pope. If you have a copy of twilight it burn it; find someone else’s copy and burn that too.
  5. Wear red or the sexiest black outfit you got.
  6. Play every angry gurl/boi song you have and follow it with every single slutty song you have and drink wine or tequila and dance in your underwear while listening to this. And sing along really loud and obnoxiously to it. You have earned this.
  7. rearrange your closet. and then randomly do this:
  8. do this:
  9. skip dinner and just drink lots of liquor. Call of work the next day: You are hung over and preparing for your weekend of partying while the enemy is preparing for what, antiquing?
  10. Watch this and feel empowered and know it and you will be okay:
  11. Buy this:
  12. and then give yourself this face:

or this face:

like at least twice.
Self-love is the greatest love of all after all.

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